All of Her Flowers

Today is a hard day. The hardest part about it is that I don't even feel like I had anything that triggered it. I have just been really upset all morning, crying off and on, trying to distract myself, but it isn't working.

I realized that we still have all of the flowers that were brought to the hospital, and they are all dried and dead. I don't even want to look at them (even though they are now making a pretty big mess). Lyric never got to see any of them. She never wore the little outfits people brought and she never snuggled in the blankents she was given.

I feel like I have been stuck in the same spot for a good week now. I am not moving forward. I know I don't have to, but it is really hard to wake up every morning feeling the way I do. Its even harder to go to bed knowing that I am going to dream of her. When does it get easier? Where do I find the peace I am looking for?

I keep feeling like there was something I should have done. That's another thought I have a hard time getting past. I know full well that there was nothing; I did everything in my power to give her everything I had, and I feel like it wasn't enough.

When we picked up her ashes, it felt final. Like the doctor can't call me back and say that she is ok. While I couldn't bear the thought of her suffering anymore when we saw her that Saturday afternoon, I sometime think, should we have waited longer, would she have turned around? But I also know, that that is the part of me that is longing to have her back and I would have gone to the ends of the earth to do it. I saw her eyes, they told me. She told me that this was the plan, and that she wished she could have prepared me, but she couldn't. She told me to let go and that 6 days was all it was meant to me. She told me that she loved me, and that she knew I loved her. I do. I love her more than I ever knew I could love. My life transformed in a way that I could have never thought and the only things that keep me sane are the fact that I will see her again some day and that until then, she will watch me, Jason and her future siblings.