Virtual Baby Shower

In a world filled with devastating things, my faith in the idea that there are great people out there has been restored. On Thursday, I got home from work and saw a package on the porch. I opened it to find a baby/nursing pillow. While I recognized it from my baby registry, I could not for the life of me remember when I had ordered it (baby brain?). I messaged Jason and before he could respond, a girl from my February 2012 mommies group messaged me asking if I had checked my porch today. I assumed it was from her at that point and started to give my thanks. At this point both the girl and Jason were messaging me. The girl tells me that mommies from the group got together to send me (and another mommy of an angel baby, who happens to be due on the same day as I am) baby gifts. They had also contacted our husbands behind our backs and they have known and kept it a secret!

Shock. Awe. Love. I can't believe that these ladies got together to get things for two people they have never actually met. But they all have been with me through my pregnancy with Lyric, though her birth, through our sad goodbye, and for everything that has happened since. These are people from all over the world that I will probably never see face to face. I go to them for advice, to vent, to celebrate, and to cry. And while sometimes I think to myself that I am the odd one out because I am not raising my baby like they are, they have been nothing but supportive and have never made me feel odd just because they have their babies and I don't.

Since Thursday I have received 3 packages, and from what I understand there is more to come. This is more than I deserve and these ladies have been more than generous to my family. I am so grateful that baby Vince will have so many virtual aunties and cousins to love him from near and far when he gets here. Thank you ladies for making Vince's welcome to this world amazing!

Happy New Year 2013!

2012 has probably been almost as rough as 2011 was for me. While 2011 brought our sweet angel baby Lyric, 2012 brought some hard days associated with her. My due date on February 16 was rough. Along with mother's day and basically every holiday. Our wedding in September was amazing, but I longed for Lyric to have been there in person, not in spirit.

Lyric's first birthday was the hardest day for me. I took everything out of her chest and held it all. I surrounded myself on the bed with every belonging she ever had and I cried. I was incapacitated basically all day. I cried a whole lot for the next 6 days. I read this blog and looked at her pictures over and over, trying to relive the week we had with her.

Fortunately, I am blessed to have my maid of honor, who is now my sister in law, pregnant with my niece. [Thank goodness I don't have to be the only one sober on New Years!] I am so excited for her arrival in March, and I can't wait to watch her and Vince grow up together.

We are happy to say that Vince is nice and cozy (with plenty of fluid) in there and can't wait to meet everybody in May!

Say Hello to the new EWU Graduate!

This evening I will take my last ever college final. I will finally be a college graduate. After 7 years of community college, bad break-ups, moving 1500 miles away from home, declaring majors, switching majors,  more bad break-ups, party-ing, saying hello and goodbye to our sweet angel Lyric, a wedding, a honeymoon and now a new arrival on its way... I will finally be done with school.

I know I wouldn't be at this place today if I hadn't had to do the hardest thing a mother should never have to do, and say farewell to my first born daughter. I have a feeling I would have never gone back to class. I have taken enough time off school to know how hard it is to go back without kids... I can't imagine what I would have been with with one here.

But after tonight I will finally be able to say that I am a college graduate. There is a ceremony in June, but I have a feeling I will be a little busy with my one month old baby. So, I'm not sure I'll make it...

I am 15 weeks pregnant today!

Goodnight Baby Lyric

I have a hard time believing that it has actually been a whole year since I held by baby girl for the first and last time and said goodbye. I knew today was coming, but it definitely snuck up on me. How is it November again? I am now starting to connect events of this year with events of last year. Daylight savings time: I went into labor the morning the clocks changed and no one had any idea what time it was anywhere in the hospital  Friday, I am going with my sister in law and niece to see the next Twilight movie. I went last year and it was hard for me to leave the house for the first time without Jason (and I will probably be wearing the same maternity pants). Thanksgiving: Lyric's memorial was the night before.

I know the firsts are hard, but, really, no one can actually prepare you for how it feels.

What a Difference a Year Makes

It has been one year since we welcomed our tiny miracle into the world. On November 6, 2011, Lyric Anderson was born at 1:54 pm via emergency c-section. She was 1 lb 9 oz and 11 inches long. I remember the whole thing like it was yesterday, but at the same time, it seems so long ago at this point. And instead of immediately saying goodbye, Jason and I got to spend a whole week with her. After being told for weeks that she would pass in utero before we ever met her, I got to see her and touch her and change her diaper. She progressed so much in that one week. She had grown 2 inches and had gained 4 ounces. She had weaned off most of her medications, her PDA had healed and she was eating. But by the end of the week she had had several heart attacks that were just too much for a tiny baby to handle. We had to say goodbye. It was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. I hurt as much today as I did last year.

But, because of this tiny angel that we had the privilege of meeting, we have also had a dramatic year of change. On September 7, 2012, Jason and I got married in front of family and friends. The wedding had been over a year in the making and it turned out better than I could have imagined it. Also, I will be graduating from Eastern Washington University in December (only 37 more days!) with my Bachelors of Business Administration in Human Resources. There is no way that would be happening if Lyric was still on earth with us. That project has been quite the battle for the last 7 years and to finally see it come to an end will be amazing. It will be quite the celebration! However, the celebration will be alcohol free for me, because Jason and I are expecting again in June 2013! Looks like our honeymoon in Cancun in September was successful! We are nervous and excited about the news and we are confident that Lyric will watch over her new brother and sister.

So, as you all know, this year has been happy, sad, busy, and everything in between. And it looks like the next year it going to be all of those things as well.

March For Babies Spokane

Today was a rough day I laid in bed all day and watched Facebook for pictures from the walk. Between all of our family members registered with Team Lyric, they raised $1040 for the organization. I wanted so badly to be there walking with all of them, but I knew it would be too much for me to handle this year. Maybe next year. I hope next year. I know that if Lyric were here, she would have been there. March of Dimes does so much for so many families, including ours. And even though they weren't in our lives for very long, they mean a lot to us and made the 6 days in the NICU a little bit easier.

Thank you to Jamie, Camden, mariah, Tanya, Mimi, Corey, and Cameron who walked for Lyric, Jason, and I. We love you and it means the world to us.

No Such Thing as Coincidence

I got in my car this afternoon and saw Lyric's bed card on the floor board. It must have fallen out of the box when we picked up her things at the hospital back in November. That means it has been tucked in there since then. I saw it and smiled (then cried). It was her way of saying hi. I miss her so much