Goodbye 2011

So I just saw a diaper commercial and completely lost it. I feel like 2011 has been the best and the worst year of my entire 24 year life. Finding out we were pregnant to getting engaged to delivering our tiny miracle 15 weeks too early made this year the most amazing year to date. But to lose Lyric 6 short days later is the most devastating pain I have ever known, and didn't realize was even possible.

It's hard for me to leave 2011 behind. Moving forward has been the hardest part. 2012 scares me. Bills, wedding, finishing school, and trying again is all on the agenda for the year and some of those things would be much different if she was here. Hell, my entire life would be different if she was still here. What I wouldn't give for that life today.

And yet I have no choice but to say goodbye to 2011, and hello to 2012.

She Was a Fighter

So we just got back from the doctor's office. According to the autopsy report, Lyric had some pretty intense heart attacks. Everything about her was perfect. My doctor said that it wasn't even being premature that caused them, it was the stress of being premature (if that makes sense). Because she had heart attacks on both sides of her heart, that also created a bleed in her brain. She was just too little and fought too hard to stay here with us.

My doctor is optimistic about us trying again. He said everything should be fine, just no labor, and scheduled c-section. We won't be trying again until after the wedding though.

Yikes!

I just realized that this was my last lazy weekend before I go back to work! Christmas is next weekend and New Years is the next. I am officially going back to work on January 2. I am ready. Well, today I feel that way. Tomorrow I might change my mind.

I am going to the doctor on Wednesday. Not sure what to expect really. I am anxious to get he go-ahead on physical activity (I am anxious to get in shape for our September wedding). But we also should be talking about the autopsy report. While we pretty much know what happened, we still want to know for sure and I want to know how it will affect our future. Thats the part that I am not sure about. I am so scared that we are going to be advised not to try again. I know that my doctor never eluded to that idea and everyone I ever saw while I was pregnant said that this shouldn't happen again and we can go on to have a successful pregnancy. The whole idea still makes me uneasy.

I think I might have another tough week ahead of me with this doctors appointment and Christmas.

All of Her Flowers

Today is a hard day. The hardest part about it is that I don't even feel like I had anything that triggered it. I have just been really upset all morning, crying off and on, trying to distract myself, but it isn't working.

I realized that we still have all of the flowers that were brought to the hospital, and they are all dried and dead. I don't even want to look at them (even though they are now making a pretty big mess). Lyric never got to see any of them. She never wore the little outfits people brought and she never snuggled in the blankents she was given.

I feel like I have been stuck in the same spot for a good week now. I am not moving forward. I know I don't have to, but it is really hard to wake up every morning feeling the way I do. Its even harder to go to bed knowing that I am going to dream of her. When does it get easier? Where do I find the peace I am looking for?

I keep feeling like there was something I should have done. That's another thought I have a hard time getting past. I know full well that there was nothing; I did everything in my power to give her everything I had, and I feel like it wasn't enough.

When we picked up her ashes, it felt final. Like the doctor can't call me back and say that she is ok. While I couldn't bear the thought of her suffering anymore when we saw her that Saturday afternoon, I sometime think, should we have waited longer, would she have turned around? But I also know, that that is the part of me that is longing to have her back and I would have gone to the ends of the earth to do it. I saw her eyes, they told me. She told me that this was the plan, and that she wished she could have prepared me, but she couldn't. She told me to let go and that 6 days was all it was meant to me. She told me that she loved me, and that she knew I loved her. I do. I love her more than I ever knew I could love. My life transformed in a way that I could have never thought and the only things that keep me sane are the fact that I will see her again some day and that until then, she will watch me, Jason and her future siblings.

Random Thoughts for Today

Well, I just read on the message board that one of the mommies that had her baby December 10 (ironically, his name is Vincent, which would have been Lyric's name had she been a boy) could possibly bring her baby home on Christmas day. Bam, right back to square one for me. I am insanely jealous (while over the moon for Vincent's mommy). I read that and immediately started sobbing. I wanted so many things with Lyric, and bringing her home with us was something that from day one in the NICU I started counting down to (I was 102 days from her due date when she was born).

People ask me if I have a hard time seeing pictures of my friends' babies on Facebook and stuff like that. I don't. I love seeing them. I love going on the message board and seeing pictures of the preemies and hearing about how they are doing. Its weird, I didn't think I would be able to handle it, but I can, and it makes my heart melt to see happy, healthy babies, even more than it did before I had Lyric.

For the past few days I have also been very sad about the things I missed out on from the rest of my pregnancy. I never really went shopping for baby stuff, never made a registry, never had a baby shower. I never got to waddle around with a big belly to show off to the world. I didn't even make it to my glucose test (which I am ok with, ha ha). I feel like Jason and I missed out on a big chunk of being pregnant, and for some reason, that makes me very sad. For the most part, being pregnant for me was pretty easy until I found out I had no fluid.

Slowly, our lives are getting back to normal. I went into work today to make the schedules for January. Big things happening in January at work, and it will actually be perfect timing for me to be back to start a new big project. It was weird to be there, to say the least. I didn't go and visit very many people while I was there, I was really too nervous. I just didn't want to answer questions today. I don't know if I ever will be completely ready to immerse myself into my work environment, to be honest.

Baby Girl, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I look at pictures of you every day. I miss you more than anyone can possibly know, but the only thing that brings me peace is that I know you are not hurting and I will see you again one day...

Tougher Than I Anticipated

I knew today was not going to be awesome. But it turned out to be a little tougher than I thought. I have been part of a February mommies message board since I found out I was pregnant in June. I have followed many women's stories, including the births of now 9 babies (8 mommies), including Lyric (who was first). Aside from Lyric, as far as I know, all the babies are doing well. Last night we heard news of baby Peyton, born 2 lb 15 oz. That's all we heard. This worried me a little, but I pushed the thought out of my mind and said to myself that everything is fine and mommy is just busy, she will let us know when she can. We are, after all, probably last on her list of people to update (which is totally okay!). Well I opened the page this morning after my dad left and saw the post that said baby Peyton lost her fight to a blood infection. My heart sank and I was immediately attached to Peyton and her mother. As much pain as you can feel for someone else in the situation, you can never know what it really is unless you have felt it yourself. I did not know how true this was until I read the news this morning. I barely know this woman, and I feel this compelling feeling to rush to her and hug her so tightly and never let go. I never wanted to take someone's pain away like I do for Peyton's mommy. The thought of someone else having to go through what I did a month ago makes me hurt more. No mother should have to ever say goodbye to a child, let alone have to say it right after their very unxepected early delivery.

Lyric, be on the lookout for Peyton, she needs a friend. Tell her that it will be okay and that she will see mommy again. Until then, play together, and watch over us and your future siblings.  We love you and miss you both.

"Your wee little life has changed me. The day you were born was like a new beginning for me too; a change that will forever lay soft in my heart. Everything in my life is sweeter because of you. The days and fleeting moments with you were only a breath in time. They lingered briefly and flew away. You are precious in every way; the sunshine in my day, the joy in my soul, and the love of my life. Love you forever, Mom"

Happy One Month Baby Girl

Happy One Month, Baby Girl
Tomorrow marks what would be Lyric's one month birthday. It seems like just yesterday, but at the same time, like a far away dream. I feel like November got completely skipped as both daylight savings and winter happened while we were in the hospital. The whole experience was such a whirlwind that I didn't even get a chance to get used to the idea of having a baby before I was holding her for the first and last time and saying goodbye.
I knew tomorrow would come, and I don't want it to. I want to go back and fix it. I want to still be pregnant with her. I still want to be oblivious to the fact that she is a girl. I want to be stuck in bed. I want to be anxious for her far off arrival. Yet here I am, crying my heart out, again, because I can't change anything.
I finished washing the rest of my maternity clothes so I can put them away today. Many of the pieces still have the tags on them. We will meet again someday. But until then, they will sit in the basement with the baby bedding and room accessories that I was to scared to even open and look at when I got them back in September (they were delivered on the day we found out I has no amniotic fluid). I will see the bedding and things one day too.
I don't feel like I am getting back to normal. Every time I think I might be getting better I see something, talk to someone, hear a song, and I am right back to November 13 all over again. I know everyone is saying that time will make it better, but I need a fast forward button some days. Most days right now.
I do want everyone to know that everyone's cards, flowers, gifts and balloons that were brought to the hospital are being saved in a chest. The chest will sit in our future baby's room so Lyric can watch over him or her. She will be a part of our hearts forever and having things of hers that we can touch is one of the greatest gifts that we have received and it helps me know that she was loved not only my Jason and I, but by our friends and family too.