Goodbye 2011

So I just saw a diaper commercial and completely lost it. I feel like 2011 has been the best and the worst year of my entire 24 year life. Finding out we were pregnant to getting engaged to delivering our tiny miracle 15 weeks too early made this year the most amazing year to date. But to lose Lyric 6 short days later is the most devastating pain I have ever known, and didn't realize was even possible.

It's hard for me to leave 2011 behind. Moving forward has been the hardest part. 2012 scares me. Bills, wedding, finishing school, and trying again is all on the agenda for the year and some of those things would be much different if she was here. Hell, my entire life would be different if she was still here. What I wouldn't give for that life today.

And yet I have no choice but to say goodbye to 2011, and hello to 2012.

She Was a Fighter

So we just got back from the doctor's office. According to the autopsy report, Lyric had some pretty intense heart attacks. Everything about her was perfect. My doctor said that it wasn't even being premature that caused them, it was the stress of being premature (if that makes sense). Because she had heart attacks on both sides of her heart, that also created a bleed in her brain. She was just too little and fought too hard to stay here with us.

My doctor is optimistic about us trying again. He said everything should be fine, just no labor, and scheduled c-section. We won't be trying again until after the wedding though.

Yikes!

I just realized that this was my last lazy weekend before I go back to work! Christmas is next weekend and New Years is the next. I am officially going back to work on January 2. I am ready. Well, today I feel that way. Tomorrow I might change my mind.

I am going to the doctor on Wednesday. Not sure what to expect really. I am anxious to get he go-ahead on physical activity (I am anxious to get in shape for our September wedding). But we also should be talking about the autopsy report. While we pretty much know what happened, we still want to know for sure and I want to know how it will affect our future. Thats the part that I am not sure about. I am so scared that we are going to be advised not to try again. I know that my doctor never eluded to that idea and everyone I ever saw while I was pregnant said that this shouldn't happen again and we can go on to have a successful pregnancy. The whole idea still makes me uneasy.

I think I might have another tough week ahead of me with this doctors appointment and Christmas.

All of Her Flowers

Today is a hard day. The hardest part about it is that I don't even feel like I had anything that triggered it. I have just been really upset all morning, crying off and on, trying to distract myself, but it isn't working.

I realized that we still have all of the flowers that were brought to the hospital, and they are all dried and dead. I don't even want to look at them (even though they are now making a pretty big mess). Lyric never got to see any of them. She never wore the little outfits people brought and she never snuggled in the blankents she was given.

I feel like I have been stuck in the same spot for a good week now. I am not moving forward. I know I don't have to, but it is really hard to wake up every morning feeling the way I do. Its even harder to go to bed knowing that I am going to dream of her. When does it get easier? Where do I find the peace I am looking for?

I keep feeling like there was something I should have done. That's another thought I have a hard time getting past. I know full well that there was nothing; I did everything in my power to give her everything I had, and I feel like it wasn't enough.

When we picked up her ashes, it felt final. Like the doctor can't call me back and say that she is ok. While I couldn't bear the thought of her suffering anymore when we saw her that Saturday afternoon, I sometime think, should we have waited longer, would she have turned around? But I also know, that that is the part of me that is longing to have her back and I would have gone to the ends of the earth to do it. I saw her eyes, they told me. She told me that this was the plan, and that she wished she could have prepared me, but she couldn't. She told me to let go and that 6 days was all it was meant to me. She told me that she loved me, and that she knew I loved her. I do. I love her more than I ever knew I could love. My life transformed in a way that I could have never thought and the only things that keep me sane are the fact that I will see her again some day and that until then, she will watch me, Jason and her future siblings.

Random Thoughts for Today

Well, I just read on the message board that one of the mommies that had her baby December 10 (ironically, his name is Vincent, which would have been Lyric's name had she been a boy) could possibly bring her baby home on Christmas day. Bam, right back to square one for me. I am insanely jealous (while over the moon for Vincent's mommy). I read that and immediately started sobbing. I wanted so many things with Lyric, and bringing her home with us was something that from day one in the NICU I started counting down to (I was 102 days from her due date when she was born).

People ask me if I have a hard time seeing pictures of my friends' babies on Facebook and stuff like that. I don't. I love seeing them. I love going on the message board and seeing pictures of the preemies and hearing about how they are doing. Its weird, I didn't think I would be able to handle it, but I can, and it makes my heart melt to see happy, healthy babies, even more than it did before I had Lyric.

For the past few days I have also been very sad about the things I missed out on from the rest of my pregnancy. I never really went shopping for baby stuff, never made a registry, never had a baby shower. I never got to waddle around with a big belly to show off to the world. I didn't even make it to my glucose test (which I am ok with, ha ha). I feel like Jason and I missed out on a big chunk of being pregnant, and for some reason, that makes me very sad. For the most part, being pregnant for me was pretty easy until I found out I had no fluid.

Slowly, our lives are getting back to normal. I went into work today to make the schedules for January. Big things happening in January at work, and it will actually be perfect timing for me to be back to start a new big project. It was weird to be there, to say the least. I didn't go and visit very many people while I was there, I was really too nervous. I just didn't want to answer questions today. I don't know if I ever will be completely ready to immerse myself into my work environment, to be honest.

Baby Girl, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I look at pictures of you every day. I miss you more than anyone can possibly know, but the only thing that brings me peace is that I know you are not hurting and I will see you again one day...

Tougher Than I Anticipated

I knew today was not going to be awesome. But it turned out to be a little tougher than I thought. I have been part of a February mommies message board since I found out I was pregnant in June. I have followed many women's stories, including the births of now 9 babies (8 mommies), including Lyric (who was first). Aside from Lyric, as far as I know, all the babies are doing well. Last night we heard news of baby Peyton, born 2 lb 15 oz. That's all we heard. This worried me a little, but I pushed the thought out of my mind and said to myself that everything is fine and mommy is just busy, she will let us know when she can. We are, after all, probably last on her list of people to update (which is totally okay!). Well I opened the page this morning after my dad left and saw the post that said baby Peyton lost her fight to a blood infection. My heart sank and I was immediately attached to Peyton and her mother. As much pain as you can feel for someone else in the situation, you can never know what it really is unless you have felt it yourself. I did not know how true this was until I read the news this morning. I barely know this woman, and I feel this compelling feeling to rush to her and hug her so tightly and never let go. I never wanted to take someone's pain away like I do for Peyton's mommy. The thought of someone else having to go through what I did a month ago makes me hurt more. No mother should have to ever say goodbye to a child, let alone have to say it right after their very unxepected early delivery.

Lyric, be on the lookout for Peyton, she needs a friend. Tell her that it will be okay and that she will see mommy again. Until then, play together, and watch over us and your future siblings.  We love you and miss you both.

"Your wee little life has changed me. The day you were born was like a new beginning for me too; a change that will forever lay soft in my heart. Everything in my life is sweeter because of you. The days and fleeting moments with you were only a breath in time. They lingered briefly and flew away. You are precious in every way; the sunshine in my day, the joy in my soul, and the love of my life. Love you forever, Mom"

Happy One Month Baby Girl

Happy One Month, Baby Girl
Tomorrow marks what would be Lyric's one month birthday. It seems like just yesterday, but at the same time, like a far away dream. I feel like November got completely skipped as both daylight savings and winter happened while we were in the hospital. The whole experience was such a whirlwind that I didn't even get a chance to get used to the idea of having a baby before I was holding her for the first and last time and saying goodbye.
I knew tomorrow would come, and I don't want it to. I want to go back and fix it. I want to still be pregnant with her. I still want to be oblivious to the fact that she is a girl. I want to be stuck in bed. I want to be anxious for her far off arrival. Yet here I am, crying my heart out, again, because I can't change anything.
I finished washing the rest of my maternity clothes so I can put them away today. Many of the pieces still have the tags on them. We will meet again someday. But until then, they will sit in the basement with the baby bedding and room accessories that I was to scared to even open and look at when I got them back in September (they were delivered on the day we found out I has no amniotic fluid). I will see the bedding and things one day too.
I don't feel like I am getting back to normal. Every time I think I might be getting better I see something, talk to someone, hear a song, and I am right back to November 13 all over again. I know everyone is saying that time will make it better, but I need a fast forward button some days. Most days right now.
I do want everyone to know that everyone's cards, flowers, gifts and balloons that were brought to the hospital are being saved in a chest. The chest will sit in our future baby's room so Lyric can watch over him or her. She will be a part of our hearts forever and having things of hers that we can touch is one of the greatest gifts that we have received and it helps me know that she was loved not only my Jason and I, but by our friends and family too.

November 6, 2011: The Delivery

[Note: I had this post half way done when doctors called us down to the hospital on November 12 when Lyric started not doing so well.]

Back up to November 4. Friday night. Jason was out with his friends while I relaxed at home. At about 8pm I realised that I was leaking something, again. This was a fairly common occurance for me. I had leaked before, went to the hospital, and was sent home. They told me 'it was just one of those things.' Tonight was different. Without being too graphic, it was 'whooshing' about every half hour. I texted Jason and told him something was up, and that I was going to call the doctor if it continued. Well, I settled into bed and fell asleep. I did wake up on multiple accounts to 'whooshing' and went back to bed and thought I would call the doctor in the morning.

I woke up and nothing happened all day Saturday. I went to the store and layed in bed almost all day long. But when I finally went to sleep that night, I had the same episodes all night long. At last, I woke up at 3am, or was it 4am? I have no idea because the clocks were all different in the house from daylight-savings changing. I woke up with horrible cramping. Nothing like I had felt before. I thought if I could just fall asleep maybe I can rest until morning. No way was I falling asleep. The pain just intensified.

I called the on-call number and the doctor told me to go to the hospital to get checked out. I woke Jason up and told him to hop in the shower (he hadn't taken on the day before and I am so glad I told him to, because he wouldn't get to for a long time). While he did that I went around the house finding snacks to put in my purse for Jason and drank a ton of water because I knew they would want samples from me when I got there (I had been through this before, remember?). Jason got dressed and I grabbed the phone charger and I drove us to the hospital.

The drive is when my cramping became contracting. They came in waves, every 10 minutes maybe. And they weren't those dumb Braxton-Hicks ones that made my belly tight; these hurt and made it so I couldn't do anything (not ideal when driving).

I got to the hospital and they hooked me up to the contration monitor. They found baby's heartbeat with the dopper, but she was too small to pick up with the monitor. They also gave me a remote button to push when I thought I was hacing a contraction. After about 4 steady contrations the nurse came in and took the button away. They could see every contraction, no need for me to tell them about it at the nurses station every time. They called my doctor in.

I still at this point had no idea what time it was. All of the clocks in the hospital said different times. Also, I didn't even think to let anyone know we were at the hosptial, I didn't want to worry them when I *thought* I would be going home to rest in a few hours.

The doctor arrived and it was one from the practice that I hadn't met. I was okay with that, but I had to give him the run-down on the situation. He told me he was going to do his best to keep me pregnant for at least 24 hours at first and then go from there. He did an ultrasound and saw that baby was transverse (sideways), not breech like she had been a week before. Not that it mattered, I wasn't going to be delivering anytime soon, right? He took some blood and gave me my first round of steriod shots (with the second dose scheduled for 12 hours later, which would have been 7pm). I also got antibiotics in an IV just in case I had an infection. Now, for those of you that don't know me, I HATE NEEDLES. Hate them. With passion. My nurse tried 2 times to get one in. No success. She called IV therapy. She tried 2 more times and then decided to give me a smaller one and be done with it. I already started to bruise.

I was given a shot to relax my muscles (the uterus is a muscle) and slow contractions. I could have one every half hour. I had the first one, and 45 minutes later I was asking for the second one. They couldn't give me anything else because it was suspected that I had already ruptured my membranes.

My doctor told me that since we probably weren't going to be delivering anytime in the near future, that I could have some breakfast. How anyone could eat in a time like that is beyond me, but we did. At this point I thought I would be in the hospital overnight and then sent on my way with strict bedrest and a suggestion that I be admitted for monitoring already. This option was given to us as soon as I hit 24 weeks. Jason and I had decided to wait until about 32 weeks and then see how we felt about it.

At this point, I still didn't want to worry anyone, so I texted my dad and told him where we were, but not to worry and that I would let him know what was going on later.

We were both so tired that we decided to try our best to get some sleep. Now that did not happen for me... I was up and down and peeing and contracting and just being nervous. I called to the nurses station to ask for another muscle relaxer. The nurse never came. I was just about to call again when my doctor reappeared. He told me that my blood counts were back. I was fighting an infection. What? I feel great. He says that normal white blood counts are 1200-1400. Mine was over 24,000. This was not ok apparantly. My uterus was contracting to get the infection out, there was nothing we could do to stop it. If we left it, it would have killed both my baby and I.

Now this is where things get very hazy for me. My room turned into the set of Grey's Anatomy. My doctor says that I am officially admitted and I will be there for the duration of my pregnancy. Apparantly, that was only 15 more minutes. My doctor told me all the risks of an emergency c section, including, but not limited to, a hysterectamy. He also had to explain that he was probably going to have to do a classical inscision on the inside and I would never be able to go into labor again because it could be very dangerous for me. This was something I was very uset about because I wanted so very badly to have my babies vaginally. That will not be happening for me in this lifetime. My anesthesiologist and her assistants came in and gave me the run down on that, including the part where I might go into a coma and/or become a vegetable if they have to put me all the way under. My NICU doctor and her attandants came in and gave me the run down on what would/could happen with the baby (which we still didn't know the gender of) and she told us that the baby could be too small for a ventilator tube and, if that is the case, there was nothing they could do except wrap up the baby and hand her to me to say goodbye. My nurse is calling for IV therapy again for a bigger IV. That lady poked me 4 more times and my anesthesiologist finally got one in after all that.

In this 15 minute span, Jason was just waking up from a nap, we were being told all of this horrifying news, I was being poked all over, and NONE of our family knew this was happening. I was able to squeeze in a vague text to my dad saying something to the effect of 'I am going in for an emergency c section, don't worry, I will call you later'. I was screaming and crying like I had never done before. They brought in some scrubs for Jason and down the hall to the operating room we went.

They had Jason wait outside while they did my spinal. I think that is when Jason texted his mom. That needle was the one I was most afriad of before this all happened, and now I think it was the least scary. All of the doctors and nurses told me everything that was going on the entire time. They were very comforting and calming. I went numb pretty quickly and when Jason came in and they started the surgury, I thought they were yanking me and all of my insides all over the place. When the doctor got to my uterus, he said "Katie, I have to do a classical, is that ok?" I replied with, "I guess, I don't have a choice, do I? Do whatever you need to do." I was shaking fureously the whole time.

The nurse came over and said "your baby is delivered." I didn't even try to think that statement through. After a few minutes the nurse said, "your baby has lungs." What? I was told that wasn't going to be the case. Then she says, "Its a girl, Jason go see her." I looked over and they held up my baby girl. She was supposed to be a boy (but I am not sad she was a girl, we had just thought she was a boy all along). I still didn't react at all. I think I was in too much shock. When they got baby girl stable they took her to the NICU and had Jason follow them.

As my doctor started finishing up my c section he was still talking me through what was going on on the other side of the curtain. He took out my placenta and said, "this thing is horrible. You were severely infected. This thing has pus pockets all over it." This just further confirmed that delivering my baby that day is what needed to be done, both for my safety and the saftey of our baby.

Before I was taken to recovery, the doctors rolled my entire bed to the NICU (which after the fact, I am amazed that was even possible with all of the equipment and stuff in there). I got to put on a glove and touch my baby for the first time. I cried. I couldn't believe she was here, and doing so well.

I was taken to recovery with my nurse while Jason was God-knows-where in the hosptial (he didn't even know where he was going after the NICU team told him to step out while they put in Lyric's IV). Somehow, all of Jason's family had made it to the hospital before I got out of surgery. He walked out the NICU doors and they were all there. Somehow they made it to my room where I was all drugged up and paralyzed still. I had to be there for 2 hours and they all stayed there with me.

After I made it to my room and everyone had gone home, I finally got the chance to call my parents. I called my dad and told him what happened and then I called my mom. I was very weird to tell my parents that I was even in the hospital, let alone that their first grandchild had arrived and was alive and doing ok considering all that had happened and that I was only 25 weeks and 3 days pregnant when she got here.

Then her picture made it to Facebook and the WTE message board. I have never seen anything like the response we got from there. Lyric was the first baby born [after 24 weeks] on the message board. She also was the smallest. At 1 lb 9 oz, 11 3/4 inches. Born at 1:54 pm, on Sunday November 6, 2011. I was 25 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

The Pregnancy

The pregnancy started out just like any normal pregnacy could. Jason and I decided that we would 'pull the goalie' and just see what happens. Well, 6 weeks later, I was taking a pregnancy test and it said positive. That was a shock in itself. I had been on birth control for years and really didn't think it would happen so fast. We went to the doctor and it was confirmed and we got to see our little bean beating away on June 27, giving us a due date of February 16, 2012.

Everything went great at the beginning. I did everything the way it should be done and I was rewarded with no morning sickness, or any of the other uncomfortable things that go along with pregnancy. But at 9 weeks 5 days (the morning of inventory at work) I started to bleed pretty bad. I called my doctor and she sent me for an ultrasound the same day. We got to see that baby wiggle and move like nothing was wrong. They did see a subcronic hemorrage, but apparantly those are pretty common and doctors said it would heal by itself. Little did we know, that was probably when my water started to break. I was on bedrest for the weekend, and then I was back to work. Jason and I went to all of my appointments and they all were pretty uneventful.

That was until I went for my anatomy scan at 18 weeks 4 days. We were really hoping to find out if the little one was a boy or a girl. Unfortunately, baby wasn't in the right position to see that. Also, the pictures weren't very good because they discovered that I had no measuable amniotic fluid.

2 days later we went to Deaconess Perinatal to get a higher level ultrasound and see what was up. That ultrasound showed the same thing; no measurable amniotic fluid. Our little baby was given basically no chance at survival because with no fluid, lungs won't develop. There were many possible reasons that I didn't have any fluid. Maybe I had ruptured and I was slowly leaking. Maybe baby's kidneys didn't work, and they weren't peeing and that's why there was no fluid. Unfortunately, none of the scenarios included survival in the end.

We had 4 ultrasounds in 3 weeks to see if fluid levels were changing. Every time doctors said no. We were even given the option of termination. Now that I am telling the story, I am crying all over agian thinking that we considered that and we decided that we would just let nature take its course because I could not live with the idea that I would never have known what could have happened. My last partial day at work was September 21. That was also the day we found out I had no fluid. I was put on modified bedrest basically to not complicate thigns further. I drank water like it was going out of style and was in bed as much as I could be. I did still go to school and on the occasional outing, but I put on a sweatshirt and didn't let any stranger know I was pregnant because I just didn't want to talk about it.

Jason and I also decided to keep the gender a secret, both from ourselves and others just because we didn't want to start calling it by name and getting more attached than we already were. Lisa (Jason's sister) went with up to an ultrasound and decided that she didn't see girl parts, so it must have been a boy (since she is an expert on girls; she has 3 of her own). We also decided, based on some wives tales, that all the signs pointed to boy. So in my head, I was prepared for little baby Vincent to arrive.

My last ultrasound did show a tiny (less than a cm) pocket of fluid. That was the only sign of hope we had, and personally, I tried not to let it make me happy, but it really really did.

Doctors told us that we could be admitted to the hospital for monitoring anytime after 24 weeks. Basically, I would be on complete bedrest and if baby's heart rate dropped or anything looked suspicious, we would have an emergency c section. Jason and I decided to wait until after Christmas (32 weeks), and if anything happened before then, we would deal with it as it came up.

At 23 weeks 6 days (when my dad was in town), I woke up to watery, pink leakage. Kind of scary, so off to labor & delivery we went. I was there for about 3 hours. They checked me out, took my blood. Everything seemed ok, and it was 'just one of those things.' So we went home and went on with our lives.

That is kind of the end of the pregnancy there.