Can't I Have One Day?

I just want one good day. I want one day with no tears. I can't seem to get one no matter how hard I try.

I went a whole 2 weeks at work with no one saying anything to me about Lyric and then -wham- 3 people in 2 days. I know people just want me to know that they are sorry and stuff... but I can't handle it! And its not people I am close to, its just people that know. I want people to say normal things to me. I want to be treated like a normal human being, not like a fragile piece of glass. I want people to ask me about school and wedding planning, not how I am holding up.

And then today... I get a can of formula in the mail. Now, I have been getting them in the mail for years. I have no idea why, I just was. I knew this day would come. And it did. I was having a pretty good day and then again -wham- a package in the mail with formula. There goes what I thought could have been my one day. My single sunny day in months of sadness. Is it really too much to ask?

The other thing that caught me off guard the other night was that I don't feel like I knew her very well. Yes, I know she was a fighter, and she knew our voices and looked right at us when she heard us. But I don't feel like she was here long enough for me to know who she was. I feel like I won't know if its her when she is trying to tell me or show me something. I feel like I am going to miss out on her love from above because I don't know her. And that makes me a little angry because I am her mom. I should know. I don't feel like a mom most days. And when someone asks me if I have any kids, I just say no, to save myself from having to explain anything. That hurts my heart. I wanted to share her with everyone.

Moving Backward?

Is it possible to be moving backward? I feel like I am worse than I was a month ago. No matter what I am doing, she is always on my mind. I start crying like it happened yesterday. I keep thinking of things that she is going to miss out on as well as mommy things I am missing out on. I keep thinking about days that are coming that I know are not going to be easy. Her due date (February 16) is right around the corner. Mothers Day sounds horrible. What am I going to do?? I also want so badly to open the box of bedding that Jason's mom bought us for Lyric that was delivered the day we found out I had no amniotic fluid. Why do I want to put myself through that? I never opened any of it. To be honest, I don't even know what all is even in there. I will be using it for our future baby one day, but I don't want to wait longer for that day to come :(

Just One of Those Days

Yep, today was a sad day. No good reason, all I did was watch Thursday's episode of Grey's Anatomy. Worst. Idea. Ever. From the tiny baby in the NICU to the part where the daughter had to choose to take her dad off life support, the whole episode was rough. Not to mention, the last time we watched it was when we had just come home from the hospital.

Hardest thing I have ever done is give the okay for doctors to discontinue life support. Even though there was nothing that could be done (and we know this is even more true now that we know what actually happened that night), how to you choose to let your daughter go? I thought I chose to have a baby forever, not for 6 days.

And the other thing... going back to work after being gone for 3+ months. It would have been ok had I gone back to what I have always known, but circumstances at work are changing, and that puts me in a very tough spot (I can't divulge very many details because everything is very confidential at the moment). Of course, I didn't know any of it until my fist day back... welcome back?? I thought I was done with difficulty in my life for a little bit. Nope, I was wrong. How much more can I take at this point? I don't feel like its very much more.

I didn't think it was possible, but I find myself missing my baby girl more and more some days. There are so many mommy things that I feel like I am missing out on because she isn't here. She would have been 2 months old yesterday.

Goodbye 2011

So I just saw a diaper commercial and completely lost it. I feel like 2011 has been the best and the worst year of my entire 24 year life. Finding out we were pregnant to getting engaged to delivering our tiny miracle 15 weeks too early made this year the most amazing year to date. But to lose Lyric 6 short days later is the most devastating pain I have ever known, and didn't realize was even possible.

It's hard for me to leave 2011 behind. Moving forward has been the hardest part. 2012 scares me. Bills, wedding, finishing school, and trying again is all on the agenda for the year and some of those things would be much different if she was here. Hell, my entire life would be different if she was still here. What I wouldn't give for that life today.

And yet I have no choice but to say goodbye to 2011, and hello to 2012.

She Was a Fighter

So we just got back from the doctor's office. According to the autopsy report, Lyric had some pretty intense heart attacks. Everything about her was perfect. My doctor said that it wasn't even being premature that caused them, it was the stress of being premature (if that makes sense). Because she had heart attacks on both sides of her heart, that also created a bleed in her brain. She was just too little and fought too hard to stay here with us.

My doctor is optimistic about us trying again. He said everything should be fine, just no labor, and scheduled c-section. We won't be trying again until after the wedding though.

Yikes!

I just realized that this was my last lazy weekend before I go back to work! Christmas is next weekend and New Years is the next. I am officially going back to work on January 2. I am ready. Well, today I feel that way. Tomorrow I might change my mind.

I am going to the doctor on Wednesday. Not sure what to expect really. I am anxious to get he go-ahead on physical activity (I am anxious to get in shape for our September wedding). But we also should be talking about the autopsy report. While we pretty much know what happened, we still want to know for sure and I want to know how it will affect our future. Thats the part that I am not sure about. I am so scared that we are going to be advised not to try again. I know that my doctor never eluded to that idea and everyone I ever saw while I was pregnant said that this shouldn't happen again and we can go on to have a successful pregnancy. The whole idea still makes me uneasy.

I think I might have another tough week ahead of me with this doctors appointment and Christmas.

All of Her Flowers

Today is a hard day. The hardest part about it is that I don't even feel like I had anything that triggered it. I have just been really upset all morning, crying off and on, trying to distract myself, but it isn't working.

I realized that we still have all of the flowers that were brought to the hospital, and they are all dried and dead. I don't even want to look at them (even though they are now making a pretty big mess). Lyric never got to see any of them. She never wore the little outfits people brought and she never snuggled in the blankents she was given.

I feel like I have been stuck in the same spot for a good week now. I am not moving forward. I know I don't have to, but it is really hard to wake up every morning feeling the way I do. Its even harder to go to bed knowing that I am going to dream of her. When does it get easier? Where do I find the peace I am looking for?

I keep feeling like there was something I should have done. That's another thought I have a hard time getting past. I know full well that there was nothing; I did everything in my power to give her everything I had, and I feel like it wasn't enough.

When we picked up her ashes, it felt final. Like the doctor can't call me back and say that she is ok. While I couldn't bear the thought of her suffering anymore when we saw her that Saturday afternoon, I sometime think, should we have waited longer, would she have turned around? But I also know, that that is the part of me that is longing to have her back and I would have gone to the ends of the earth to do it. I saw her eyes, they told me. She told me that this was the plan, and that she wished she could have prepared me, but she couldn't. She told me to let go and that 6 days was all it was meant to me. She told me that she loved me, and that she knew I loved her. I do. I love her more than I ever knew I could love. My life transformed in a way that I could have never thought and the only things that keep me sane are the fact that I will see her again some day and that until then, she will watch me, Jason and her future siblings.