Can't I Have One Day?

I just want one good day. I want one day with no tears. I can't seem to get one no matter how hard I try.

I went a whole 2 weeks at work with no one saying anything to me about Lyric and then -wham- 3 people in 2 days. I know people just want me to know that they are sorry and stuff... but I can't handle it! And its not people I am close to, its just people that know. I want people to say normal things to me. I want to be treated like a normal human being, not like a fragile piece of glass. I want people to ask me about school and wedding planning, not how I am holding up.

And then today... I get a can of formula in the mail. Now, I have been getting them in the mail for years. I have no idea why, I just was. I knew this day would come. And it did. I was having a pretty good day and then again -wham- a package in the mail with formula. There goes what I thought could have been my one day. My single sunny day in months of sadness. Is it really too much to ask?

The other thing that caught me off guard the other night was that I don't feel like I knew her very well. Yes, I know she was a fighter, and she knew our voices and looked right at us when she heard us. But I don't feel like she was here long enough for me to know who she was. I feel like I won't know if its her when she is trying to tell me or show me something. I feel like I am going to miss out on her love from above because I don't know her. And that makes me a little angry because I am her mom. I should know. I don't feel like a mom most days. And when someone asks me if I have any kids, I just say no, to save myself from having to explain anything. That hurts my heart. I wanted to share her with everyone.

Moving Backward?

Is it possible to be moving backward? I feel like I am worse than I was a month ago. No matter what I am doing, she is always on my mind. I start crying like it happened yesterday. I keep thinking of things that she is going to miss out on as well as mommy things I am missing out on. I keep thinking about days that are coming that I know are not going to be easy. Her due date (February 16) is right around the corner. Mothers Day sounds horrible. What am I going to do?? I also want so badly to open the box of bedding that Jason's mom bought us for Lyric that was delivered the day we found out I had no amniotic fluid. Why do I want to put myself through that? I never opened any of it. To be honest, I don't even know what all is even in there. I will be using it for our future baby one day, but I don't want to wait longer for that day to come :(

Just One of Those Days

Yep, today was a sad day. No good reason, all I did was watch Thursday's episode of Grey's Anatomy. Worst. Idea. Ever. From the tiny baby in the NICU to the part where the daughter had to choose to take her dad off life support, the whole episode was rough. Not to mention, the last time we watched it was when we had just come home from the hospital.

Hardest thing I have ever done is give the okay for doctors to discontinue life support. Even though there was nothing that could be done (and we know this is even more true now that we know what actually happened that night), how to you choose to let your daughter go? I thought I chose to have a baby forever, not for 6 days.

And the other thing... going back to work after being gone for 3+ months. It would have been ok had I gone back to what I have always known, but circumstances at work are changing, and that puts me in a very tough spot (I can't divulge very many details because everything is very confidential at the moment). Of course, I didn't know any of it until my fist day back... welcome back?? I thought I was done with difficulty in my life for a little bit. Nope, I was wrong. How much more can I take at this point? I don't feel like its very much more.

I didn't think it was possible, but I find myself missing my baby girl more and more some days. There are so many mommy things that I feel like I am missing out on because she isn't here. She would have been 2 months old yesterday.