Happy New Year 2013!

2012 has probably been almost as rough as 2011 was for me. While 2011 brought our sweet angel baby Lyric, 2012 brought some hard days associated with her. My due date on February 16 was rough. Along with mother's day and basically every holiday. Our wedding in September was amazing, but I longed for Lyric to have been there in person, not in spirit.

Lyric's first birthday was the hardest day for me. I took everything out of her chest and held it all. I surrounded myself on the bed with every belonging she ever had and I cried. I was incapacitated basically all day. I cried a whole lot for the next 6 days. I read this blog and looked at her pictures over and over, trying to relive the week we had with her.

Fortunately, I am blessed to have my maid of honor, who is now my sister in law, pregnant with my niece. [Thank goodness I don't have to be the only one sober on New Years!] I am so excited for her arrival in March, and I can't wait to watch her and Vince grow up together.

We are happy to say that Vince is nice and cozy (with plenty of fluid) in there and can't wait to meet everybody in May!

Say Hello to the new EWU Graduate!

This evening I will take my last ever college final. I will finally be a college graduate. After 7 years of community college, bad break-ups, moving 1500 miles away from home, declaring majors, switching majors,  more bad break-ups, party-ing, saying hello and goodbye to our sweet angel Lyric, a wedding, a honeymoon and now a new arrival on its way... I will finally be done with school.

I know I wouldn't be at this place today if I hadn't had to do the hardest thing a mother should never have to do, and say farewell to my first born daughter. I have a feeling I would have never gone back to class. I have taken enough time off school to know how hard it is to go back without kids... I can't imagine what I would have been with with one here.

But after tonight I will finally be able to say that I am a college graduate. There is a ceremony in June, but I have a feeling I will be a little busy with my one month old baby. So, I'm not sure I'll make it...

I am 15 weeks pregnant today!

Goodnight Baby Lyric

I have a hard time believing that it has actually been a whole year since I held by baby girl for the first and last time and said goodbye. I knew today was coming, but it definitely snuck up on me. How is it November again? I am now starting to connect events of this year with events of last year. Daylight savings time: I went into labor the morning the clocks changed and no one had any idea what time it was anywhere in the hospital  Friday, I am going with my sister in law and niece to see the next Twilight movie. I went last year and it was hard for me to leave the house for the first time without Jason (and I will probably be wearing the same maternity pants). Thanksgiving: Lyric's memorial was the night before.

I know the firsts are hard, but, really, no one can actually prepare you for how it feels.

What a Difference a Year Makes

It has been one year since we welcomed our tiny miracle into the world. On November 6, 2011, Lyric Anderson was born at 1:54 pm via emergency c-section. She was 1 lb 9 oz and 11 inches long. I remember the whole thing like it was yesterday, but at the same time, it seems so long ago at this point. And instead of immediately saying goodbye, Jason and I got to spend a whole week with her. After being told for weeks that she would pass in utero before we ever met her, I got to see her and touch her and change her diaper. She progressed so much in that one week. She had grown 2 inches and had gained 4 ounces. She had weaned off most of her medications, her PDA had healed and she was eating. But by the end of the week she had had several heart attacks that were just too much for a tiny baby to handle. We had to say goodbye. It was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. I hurt as much today as I did last year.

But, because of this tiny angel that we had the privilege of meeting, we have also had a dramatic year of change. On September 7, 2012, Jason and I got married in front of family and friends. The wedding had been over a year in the making and it turned out better than I could have imagined it. Also, I will be graduating from Eastern Washington University in December (only 37 more days!) with my Bachelors of Business Administration in Human Resources. There is no way that would be happening if Lyric was still on earth with us. That project has been quite the battle for the last 7 years and to finally see it come to an end will be amazing. It will be quite the celebration! However, the celebration will be alcohol free for me, because Jason and I are expecting again in June 2013! Looks like our honeymoon in Cancun in September was successful! We are nervous and excited about the news and we are confident that Lyric will watch over her new brother and sister.

So, as you all know, this year has been happy, sad, busy, and everything in between. And it looks like the next year it going to be all of those things as well.

March For Babies Spokane

Today was a rough day I laid in bed all day and watched Facebook for pictures from the walk. Between all of our family members registered with Team Lyric, they raised $1040 for the organization. I wanted so badly to be there walking with all of them, but I knew it would be too much for me to handle this year. Maybe next year. I hope next year. I know that if Lyric were here, she would have been there. March of Dimes does so much for so many families, including ours. And even though they weren't in our lives for very long, they mean a lot to us and made the 6 days in the NICU a little bit easier.

Thank you to Jamie, Camden, mariah, Tanya, Mimi, Corey, and Cameron who walked for Lyric, Jason, and I. We love you and it means the world to us.

No Such Thing as Coincidence

I got in my car this afternoon and saw Lyric's bed card on the floor board. It must have fallen out of the box when we picked up her things at the hospital back in November. That means it has been tucked in there since then. I saw it and smiled (then cried). It was her way of saying hi. I miss her so much

March for Babies

Both of Lyric's Grandmas are going to participate in the March for Babies with the March of Dimes. We would really appreciate it if you could donate and/or join a team to walk in memory of Lyric. This organization means very much to Jason and I and we would love if our friends and family could participate in some way. Thank you so much.

Spokane/Shelly's Team Page
April 28, 2012

California-Wells Fargo/Karen's Team Page
April 29, 2012

The Meaning of Life?!?!

Tonight in my Business in Society class we all had to share what our meaning of life is. What this has to do with business in society is still something that my entire class has yet to figure out. What I wrote was: it is different for everyone, but to find your purpose no matter how long or short your life may be.

The whole discussion made me very emotional and while I did not share my story with the class I did leave and it was apparent that it made me very upset.

I do believe that Lyric knew her purpose and she did what she came to do here on earth. While I believe this with my whole heart, it does not make it any easier to not have her here. Every single day I imagine how different that day would have been had she still been here with us. Even the little tiny things.

What an evening.

Lyric would have been 3 months old today.

Can't I Have One Day?

I just want one good day. I want one day with no tears. I can't seem to get one no matter how hard I try.

I went a whole 2 weeks at work with no one saying anything to me about Lyric and then -wham- 3 people in 2 days. I know people just want me to know that they are sorry and stuff... but I can't handle it! And its not people I am close to, its just people that know. I want people to say normal things to me. I want to be treated like a normal human being, not like a fragile piece of glass. I want people to ask me about school and wedding planning, not how I am holding up.

And then today... I get a can of formula in the mail. Now, I have been getting them in the mail for years. I have no idea why, I just was. I knew this day would come. And it did. I was having a pretty good day and then again -wham- a package in the mail with formula. There goes what I thought could have been my one day. My single sunny day in months of sadness. Is it really too much to ask?

The other thing that caught me off guard the other night was that I don't feel like I knew her very well. Yes, I know she was a fighter, and she knew our voices and looked right at us when she heard us. But I don't feel like she was here long enough for me to know who she was. I feel like I won't know if its her when she is trying to tell me or show me something. I feel like I am going to miss out on her love from above because I don't know her. And that makes me a little angry because I am her mom. I should know. I don't feel like a mom most days. And when someone asks me if I have any kids, I just say no, to save myself from having to explain anything. That hurts my heart. I wanted to share her with everyone.

Moving Backward?

Is it possible to be moving backward? I feel like I am worse than I was a month ago. No matter what I am doing, she is always on my mind. I start crying like it happened yesterday. I keep thinking of things that she is going to miss out on as well as mommy things I am missing out on. I keep thinking about days that are coming that I know are not going to be easy. Her due date (February 16) is right around the corner. Mothers Day sounds horrible. What am I going to do?? I also want so badly to open the box of bedding that Jason's mom bought us for Lyric that was delivered the day we found out I had no amniotic fluid. Why do I want to put myself through that? I never opened any of it. To be honest, I don't even know what all is even in there. I will be using it for our future baby one day, but I don't want to wait longer for that day to come :(

Just One of Those Days

Yep, today was a sad day. No good reason, all I did was watch Thursday's episode of Grey's Anatomy. Worst. Idea. Ever. From the tiny baby in the NICU to the part where the daughter had to choose to take her dad off life support, the whole episode was rough. Not to mention, the last time we watched it was when we had just come home from the hospital.

Hardest thing I have ever done is give the okay for doctors to discontinue life support. Even though there was nothing that could be done (and we know this is even more true now that we know what actually happened that night), how to you choose to let your daughter go? I thought I chose to have a baby forever, not for 6 days.

And the other thing... going back to work after being gone for 3+ months. It would have been ok had I gone back to what I have always known, but circumstances at work are changing, and that puts me in a very tough spot (I can't divulge very many details because everything is very confidential at the moment). Of course, I didn't know any of it until my fist day back... welcome back?? I thought I was done with difficulty in my life for a little bit. Nope, I was wrong. How much more can I take at this point? I don't feel like its very much more.

I didn't think it was possible, but I find myself missing my baby girl more and more some days. There are so many mommy things that I feel like I am missing out on because she isn't here. She would have been 2 months old yesterday.