Goodnight Baby Lyric

I have a hard time believing that it has actually been a whole year since I held by baby girl for the first and last time and said goodbye. I knew today was coming, but it definitely snuck up on me. How is it November again? I am now starting to connect events of this year with events of last year. Daylight savings time: I went into labor the morning the clocks changed and no one had any idea what time it was anywhere in the hospital  Friday, I am going with my sister in law and niece to see the next Twilight movie. I went last year and it was hard for me to leave the house for the first time without Jason (and I will probably be wearing the same maternity pants). Thanksgiving: Lyric's memorial was the night before.

I know the firsts are hard, but, really, no one can actually prepare you for how it feels.

What a Difference a Year Makes

It has been one year since we welcomed our tiny miracle into the world. On November 6, 2011, Lyric Anderson was born at 1:54 pm via emergency c-section. She was 1 lb 9 oz and 11 inches long. I remember the whole thing like it was yesterday, but at the same time, it seems so long ago at this point. And instead of immediately saying goodbye, Jason and I got to spend a whole week with her. After being told for weeks that she would pass in utero before we ever met her, I got to see her and touch her and change her diaper. She progressed so much in that one week. She had grown 2 inches and had gained 4 ounces. She had weaned off most of her medications, her PDA had healed and she was eating. But by the end of the week she had had several heart attacks that were just too much for a tiny baby to handle. We had to say goodbye. It was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. I hurt as much today as I did last year.

But, because of this tiny angel that we had the privilege of meeting, we have also had a dramatic year of change. On September 7, 2012, Jason and I got married in front of family and friends. The wedding had been over a year in the making and it turned out better than I could have imagined it. Also, I will be graduating from Eastern Washington University in December (only 37 more days!) with my Bachelors of Business Administration in Human Resources. There is no way that would be happening if Lyric was still on earth with us. That project has been quite the battle for the last 7 years and to finally see it come to an end will be amazing. It will be quite the celebration! However, the celebration will be alcohol free for me, because Jason and I are expecting again in June 2013! Looks like our honeymoon in Cancun in September was successful! We are nervous and excited about the news and we are confident that Lyric will watch over her new brother and sister.

So, as you all know, this year has been happy, sad, busy, and everything in between. And it looks like the next year it going to be all of those things as well.

March For Babies Spokane

Today was a rough day I laid in bed all day and watched Facebook for pictures from the walk. Between all of our family members registered with Team Lyric, they raised $1040 for the organization. I wanted so badly to be there walking with all of them, but I knew it would be too much for me to handle this year. Maybe next year. I hope next year. I know that if Lyric were here, she would have been there. March of Dimes does so much for so many families, including ours. And even though they weren't in our lives for very long, they mean a lot to us and made the 6 days in the NICU a little bit easier.

Thank you to Jamie, Camden, mariah, Tanya, Mimi, Corey, and Cameron who walked for Lyric, Jason, and I. We love you and it means the world to us.

No Such Thing as Coincidence

I got in my car this afternoon and saw Lyric's bed card on the floor board. It must have fallen out of the box when we picked up her things at the hospital back in November. That means it has been tucked in there since then. I saw it and smiled (then cried). It was her way of saying hi. I miss her so much

March for Babies

Both of Lyric's Grandmas are going to participate in the March for Babies with the March of Dimes. We would really appreciate it if you could donate and/or join a team to walk in memory of Lyric. This organization means very much to Jason and I and we would love if our friends and family could participate in some way. Thank you so much.

Spokane/Shelly's Team Page
April 28, 2012

California-Wells Fargo/Karen's Team Page
April 29, 2012

The Meaning of Life?!?!

Tonight in my Business in Society class we all had to share what our meaning of life is. What this has to do with business in society is still something that my entire class has yet to figure out. What I wrote was: it is different for everyone, but to find your purpose no matter how long or short your life may be.

The whole discussion made me very emotional and while I did not share my story with the class I did leave and it was apparent that it made me very upset.

I do believe that Lyric knew her purpose and she did what she came to do here on earth. While I believe this with my whole heart, it does not make it any easier to not have her here. Every single day I imagine how different that day would have been had she still been here with us. Even the little tiny things.

What an evening.

Lyric would have been 3 months old today.

Can't I Have One Day?

I just want one good day. I want one day with no tears. I can't seem to get one no matter how hard I try.

I went a whole 2 weeks at work with no one saying anything to me about Lyric and then -wham- 3 people in 2 days. I know people just want me to know that they are sorry and stuff... but I can't handle it! And its not people I am close to, its just people that know. I want people to say normal things to me. I want to be treated like a normal human being, not like a fragile piece of glass. I want people to ask me about school and wedding planning, not how I am holding up.

And then today... I get a can of formula in the mail. Now, I have been getting them in the mail for years. I have no idea why, I just was. I knew this day would come. And it did. I was having a pretty good day and then again -wham- a package in the mail with formula. There goes what I thought could have been my one day. My single sunny day in months of sadness. Is it really too much to ask?

The other thing that caught me off guard the other night was that I don't feel like I knew her very well. Yes, I know she was a fighter, and she knew our voices and looked right at us when she heard us. But I don't feel like she was here long enough for me to know who she was. I feel like I won't know if its her when she is trying to tell me or show me something. I feel like I am going to miss out on her love from above because I don't know her. And that makes me a little angry because I am her mom. I should know. I don't feel like a mom most days. And when someone asks me if I have any kids, I just say no, to save myself from having to explain anything. That hurts my heart. I wanted to share her with everyone.